More Me Than I Used to Be

Dear Universe:


The world seems to be spinning faster than I remember. Things inside of me seem to be moving and changing faster than I've ever allowed them to before. For example, today I was taking a nap in the park when a sudden gust of wind blew through a row of aspen trees and woke me up. My eyes shot open and somehow I knew that another change was coming...coming fast. Not even an hour later, that change has outwardly manifested itself in the form of an eyebrow piercing above my left eye. I've never even had my ears pierced. It happened suddenly and without debate. And now, as I look at myself in the bathroom mirror I realize that even though I appear different, that this change is familiar, because it has been building up inside of me for so long. Staring into the mirror I recognize myself. I'm more me than I used to be. Even 60 minutes ago. It's empowering. It's natural. It's good to be me.


Signed,
Myself
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I hope this simple, yet real-life experience can serve a substantial purpose as a metaphor for why I've started this blog.


My story starts a quarter of a century ago when I was born into a very loving and very... Mormon family. My story began to really escalate 2 years ago, this weekend, when I "came out" to myself. After years of suppressing my desire for women, the reality of who I am finally bubbled up to the surface. I was alone, in my apartment and the world began to spin. As I stood in front of the mirror I saw a change in myself that was powerful and real. It's a bit difficult to explain. It wasn't as though I was suddenly gay; it was that I had suddenly chosen to acknowledge that part of myself.

I'd been building up to this moment for years and now that it was finally here, I looked different. I detected a change in myself, but I realized in that moment that I was more myself than I'd ever been before. I was Mormon and Gay. A walking paradox, as some of my friends have put it. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew that those 2 pieces of myself couldn't possibly coexist and that ultimately they would fight to the death. And that moment was the true beginning of that fight. 

I knew it then. That's why I threw up. 

Since that night 2 years ago I've been torn between those two worlds; Mormon and Gay. Like so many others I've met along the way, I've tried to deny my gayness in favor of my mormon-ness. Then I tried to reconcile my gayness with my mormon-ness; tried to have one foot in both worlds. Finally, after an intense internal battle my gayness won. Sometimes I feel like it would take an eternity to describe why and how.

But I can explain why I'm blogging about it. So many people are experiencing this internal battle; Gay vs. Mormon. Mormon is a parasite and the only way it can win this battle is by killing its host. I know. It almost killed me.

I can no longer sit on the sidelines of the Prop 8 debates and gay rights fights. In my mind there is no more justification for the Mormon side. My friends are dying.

This blog is the beginning of my activism. I hope it reaches some of those who struggle.

-Lilith